Hello, my name is Milo and I am twenty years old. I was born in Portland Oregon on July 13th 1991 at 7:13pm weighing seven pounds thirteen ounces. I was diagnosed with depression at a fairly young age and I have had insomnia since I was nine years old. My insomnia began when my mother who raised me on her own took a night job cleaning gyms, the amount of anxiety I had being separated from my mother at the time was unbearable, she took this job not too soon after her and my father separated. My father was extremely abusive and in one of his many fits of rage he swore to kill us all someday; most notably was the night he walked away from our family days before Christmas of 1998 never to be seen by any of us in any real capacity ever again aside from some random sightings in public now and again over the following years.
I grew up with two parents that in their own separate ways were not fully cut out to be parents due to their preexisting emotional and mental issues that not only carried over to my brother and I but defined us in the worst way possible. Growing up all I ever truly had in this world was my brother and to this day he is the only person that underneath it all keeps me grounded to this world. My sense of self and reality has been blurred but the one thing I know is that I trust my brother to always be there for me. He took over as my guide into becoming a man after my father was out of the picture and to see how much my brother gave of himself without thought shows me that there are still people that know how to embrace role’s that were never meant for them.
I grew up a very sad child weary of the world around me and having been abused verbally, sexually, and physically most of my life I gave up on loving, trusting, and being open to people at an early age. I became angry toward the world and to this day i have never let go of my anger and resentment toward the ignorance of humankind. I grew up a mixed minority in a world that is black and white. I learned early on that there is no room in society for the grey race I am a part of, I reflect the beauty of many cultures and I am a proud multi-cultural male but there is a toll that ignorance takes on you when every form of racism applies to you.
I was forced to pick a side culturally which I refused to do because to deny my ancestors in any way, shape, or form would be the deepest form of disrespect to the blood that runs in my veins. As I’ve grown older I have not only seen society change but I have seen viewpoints change, mostly for the worst. Poeticness has been abandoned to usher in a new form of inarticulate language cloaked in fashionable trigger words used to sensationalize people, places, and things making us desire lives that lead to emptiness and revere the most ignorant of people as our entertainers and models to live by and strive to be like; to all of that i say no.
My depression has evolved, I am manic, and I am in a horrible place being bipolar. Awareness is the key to change but in many ways I am unfit to help myself. I look at myself and I want to die because I do not want to handle any of these issues. My entire life has been full of “The sun will come out tomorrow “style cheer up speeches and I am sick of hearing them. I am desperate to stabilize myself and find peace on some remote level but I see and feel nothing changing after many years of self-help, multiple big life changes, and the emptiness I have found in love. I am tired and I feel defeated.
Now is the moment I live in and I am dancing between numbness and sensitivity on a very thin line and the soles of my feet are touching both sides. My heart grows heavier and I just want to feel renewed. I want to feel worthy of my own heart, I want to not resent how much I love and care. I want to shed the trauma that stands between me and my unachieved goals. I want to let go of the negative feelings I have taken on from others toward myself, mainly how demonized I have been by others because of their judgment of my kind actions being a ruse. I want to be fair to myself.