I am experiencing this overwhelming feeling of doubt in myself and disgust toward who I am as a person. I feel misery like it is resting inside my bones and I can’t see beyond any of this. I want so badly to die and the thoughts and feelings race through me every moment of everyday. I block it out with every hobbie I have, every bit of strength; but I know I am fighting a losing battle.
I lay my head down to rest and I see the beginning of my nightmares before I have even fallen asleep. I hear the names, I see the faces, I live the torment everyday. I want to be adored but the diffuculty of romance is staggering and the staggering feelings have me living an unhealthy life for myself. I am alone with myself in the moments inbetween human interaction but my relationship to myself has been distorted by negative experiences; somewhere down the line I lost touch with myself.
I ceased from living for myself and began pushing myself to be selfless and overly thoughtful. I was unhappy so I thought by giving those around me exactly what I wanted that it would all come back to me someday as a newly found positivity in my friends and families lives; I didn’t do it for a grand pay out of good karma, I did it out of genuine love. Years later I find myself empty and with nothing to show for my kindness. My biggest enemy is myself, and I am addicted to the pain of being taken for granted. I am an abused soul.